I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize