I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
