those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
