Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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