we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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