I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
