I showed him my bush... on skype.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
