I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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