woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
