he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
