why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Drunk is not a location!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
