Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize