I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
