i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
