the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Dignity is for republicans.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
