my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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