Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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