I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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