Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Pants are for mortals
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
