so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
