Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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