and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
