I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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