Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
even my farts smell like vagina
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Randomize
