Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
