am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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