The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
