This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
