I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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