My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
