coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize