If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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