I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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