I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
