I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
