Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
