To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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