Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
