This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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