I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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