Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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