Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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