So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
