So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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