I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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