I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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