My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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