i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And then my night got REAL pukey
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
