dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
