Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
