my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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