Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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