If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
