is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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