How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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