i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize