What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
