Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
