And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
MIDGETS
????
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
