I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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