Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm eating all of the evidence.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
