Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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