I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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