i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
