I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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