My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
