Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
