Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
