Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
