She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
